Lelaina: I was really gonna be something by the age of 23.
Troy: Honey, all you have to be by the age of 23, is yourself.
Lelaina: I don’t know who that is anymore.
Those are a few of my favorite lines from my ultimate favorite movie of all time forever and ever – Reality Bites.
Anyway, on Wednesday night I will be on a bus to Baguio. As I said, it’s not a vacation or Jang thing – I’m moving to Baguio. Alone. If you read this entry, you’ll know why I’m subjecting myself to a difficult life. But wait, you won’t completely know, because neither will or can I.
Aside from one odd job and a place to sleep in, nothing is sure yet. I don’t know if I will have something to eat by the second week, heck, I still don’t know a lot of other things.
I’m just.. tired of analyzing myself, of trying to find out what’s wrong, of all the waiting in vain, of all the attempts at making sense of the past 23 years.
I’m going to Baguio because I want to live on my own. I guess that’s all I can tell you, or myself for now. Whatever happens happens.
Things are just too confusing that the need for space is imperative. It’s like, Manila has become this nurturing husband to me, too nurturing that I have to get away from it all even for just a while.
Nothing is wrong here at home, in fact, everything is too sunny, too right, too peachy… even if at times we are not okay, the glaring truth is that I have become too relaxed here. I want to be on my own, to not know if I will have food tomorrow, to not call on Mama or Kuya whenever I’m stuck in a rut, to wake up and think: Now what?
I can do all that here in Manila, yes, but that will take away all the adventure so I’m moving to Baguio because there, I will be completely alone. Sure, Jang will be there, but that’s different because law school will occupy most of her time etcetera. I’m prospecting at getting odd jobs and being a barista. I also hope to work more on my writing.. (-:
I have spent four years in Baguio alone, yes, but that was college when I had instant money from the ATM and I could always call home to ask for stuff I need. This time it’s different, I will be in charge of everything -- no help from my parents (and I made it clear that they don’t need to send money) whatsoever.
Things are still blurry and I am too excited to think of sensible things to write.. I want to be a better person for my family.. all I ever wanted to do was to take care of them.. send my parents to a vacation..
On the first week of college in Baguio, my parents were there to help me get settled in the dorm, a week after that I went back to Manila to return things I didn’t need and get things I actually needed.. then I had to board the bus back to Baguio.. alone. That was the time it all sank in, that oh my god, I am going to Baguio alone.. live there alone.. in a dorm full of girls I don’t know, oh no, my parents, my brothers. . they won’t be there? These things were running through my mind while Kuya was waving at me goodbye from outside the bus and then.. I cried.. I was 16 and I was sniffling like a baby, I was crying the whole of North Luzon Expressway..
I will terribly miss Manila, my family, this home.. man I’m crying while I’m typing this.. sure there are times when I think “Bah, I am so glad to be leaving all these” because everywhere I go I always compare it to Baguio (even Manila) but Manila, as I said, is like my husband already. I will always go back to it, always yearn for its familiarity and comfort.
But for now I need to get away.. to know myself, to get back my confidence and to learn to live on my own two feet. It’s scary, yes, but more than anything.. it’s exciting beyond explanation.
I’m already imagining that I live in a dingy room with cockroaches and holes.. not an ideal set up but.. who needs ideal when you’re young, happy and struggling? (-:
