phase – a long duration of adulation for a certain group or individual wherein I did stupid things and actually considered marriage.

I dreamt of Ely Buendia this morning. In that dream he is already a doormat, a has-been, laos na. People weren’t even looking at him anymore. It was a sad dream. I mean, it is the Ely Buendia! I am not a hardcore Ely Buendia fan but I did have an Ely Buendia phase. It is kind of hard to accept that a talented man like the Ely Buendia is being ignored like that. Oh well.

I am having you all know my past phases because I like embarrassing myself.

Let’s see, I had a Wowie de Guzman phase, a Brad Renfro phase, the DJ Mo Twister phase, even a Romnick Sarmenta and Keempee de Leon phase!, of course the Eraserheads phase, a RiverMaya phase, an Introvoys phase!, a KC Montero phase , Eugene (from Ghost Fighters) phase etcetera.

I almost had a Tado phase but because he went from intelligent Strangebrew to unintelligible MTB, well, the phase frittered out.

As you all must know by now, I am currently having the Barbie Almabis phase.

My mother is having a Vic Sotto phase and she’s really sad that we still can’t watch Enteng Kabisote, Okay ka Fairy ko The Legend because the theatres are always full. I’m still sulking over that Ely Buendia dream.

I’m going to edit this entry soon because I’m sure I had a lot of other phases and I want to tell you most if not all of them because, let’s say it all together now: Kat likes embarrassing herself.

I was going to not start this entry with the word “I.” But you know me, I am a selfish scumbag so there.

Anyway, I was also going to not tell everyone (the World Wide Web, no less) about my master plan because it is so wrong to tell everyone your plans. Anyhoo, I’m going moving to Baguio next year. I wrote this here in my blog so that I will actually do it and not chicken out at the last minute. When is the last minute? Why does something have to be late?

Why Baguio?

Baguio is very special to me. I spent college there and I already know the place by heart and there are countless comfort spots there and it is conducive for brooding and I could go on forever and ever amen. I really think it is the best place for me to settle in.

If this thing doesn’t push through because of some unforeseen (or even foreseen) circumstance.. then maybe it isn’t really meant to happen. I’m telling you this because I need to tell, to just tell, I’m bursting with fear, anticipation and joy and lots of other emotions. It feels good.

It figures.. that I am directionless and I need to do this.. expedition. This is, at best, a spur of the moment thing and I’m still apprehensive about it but hell, I am so going to do it. Did I just contradict myself?

I hope to start the new year with a better outlook in life. Will update you all. By the way, I am having way too much glee this Holiday season and I wish the same for everyone.

Five things about me:
• stupidselfish
• confusedselfish
• neuroticselfish
• proudselfish
• irresoluteselfish

What am I looking forward to?

soft pink blankets, fog in the afternoon, nippy mornings, good night kisses, moldy bread, UP’s centennial, my cousins’, nephews’ and nieces’ adolescence, pink sunsets, comfy sweaters, Kuya’s marriage, Byron’s college graduation, Pa’s seafood spaghetti, Ma’s coffee, Tam-awan at dusk, the market, bonnets, hugs, more hugs, laughter at 3 am, the Flower Festival, rain outside, rain overhead etc.

I don’t think we are in this world to want, to wake up each morning thinking about what we still don’t have, to fill up an imaginary basin of things, titles and people we want for ourselves, to point at this or that and say “I want this, I want that, I’m gonna get this, I’m gonna get that.” It’s exasperating.

You know? I had other profound things to say in addition to that previous paragraph but all those are gone now. I can’t be sure, maybe they weren’t even there.

Oh welly, Merry Christmas all and may you have a good one. Happy New Year, too. Pati na rin Valentines Day. (-:

P.S. I’m going somewhere. You know where.
P.P.S. It’s not just a weekend or vacation thing.
P.P.P.S. It’s cold there.

Everytime I post a new entry I say to myself (and this is with dim resignation and dramatic assuredness): “I probably wouldn’t have anything blogworthy in the next few days.”

Assuredness and probably in the same sentence? Aw, kamon.

And this is the point when you should think: This girl is cuckoos over her blog.

Well, wrong. Because you don’t know me. Anyway, so yeah, I think that. But then something happens and then I am excited to share it and then I blog.

This morning FPJ died. My mother was crying in front of the TV and yeah, it somehow feels heavy. Nothing sarcastic about this at all.. but, yeah, it kind of feels heavy. But this isn’t what I went online for.

I wanted to share that this morning my Kuya had a terrible headache that he had to go to the hospital and take half the day off and eventually be brought home by a very nice colleague. Me and my mother were going crazy already because he really sounded sick on the phone and we were like: Umuwi ka na!!!

Anyway, he went home after the check-up. Moments later (he was feeling better by then) he went in my room and giddily told me about the hug. Apparently after he had lunch he went to our frontdoor neighbor where his long-time crush was passing time with a friend. You see, this girl, his long-time crush is in the country for a vacation and he was all kilig because she hugged him just moments ago (and invited him to accompany her to Megamall). You must know that a guy (specially if it’s your Kuya) is so cute when he is all kilig and giggling.

Then my mother went in the room, too. Then we had this amazing conversation about money, the lack of money, this wedding on Saturday and love and work and how everything is going to be okay etcetera. And it was 1:30 in the afternoon when almost everyone was watching Eat Bulaga or working in airconditioned rooms or napping or god knows what else.

Anyway, that seems not so exciting after all now that I’ve written it but then.. I am okay and not okay at the same freaking time and little things either break me or make me soar and well, I am just so fragile right now that almost anything can make me cry.

And so, I have no point anyway and I just wanted to say that family is the best thing in the whole goddamn world.

I wish to reach the point when I will look back at the past three years (after graduation) and be able to say:

“Whew, I seriously thought I was never gonna pull through.”

I’d like a multi-colored pinwheel to go with it, and lots of hugs too.

Ah, the drama.

On other, less morose topics, here are some photos of precocious kids, cooldrunkamazing uncles and one handsome brother.






Special thanks to Vanny and her laptop.

Today is Human Rights Day. And still we shall all say: Justice for all the victims of the Hacienda Luisita carnage!

And: Stop killing journalists!

And: thank God for the four survivors dug up in Quezon. Miracles do happen.

I was in UP today.

And oh, I have been blogging for more than a year now and I think it’s time to refresh all our memories as to who I am (wow, lalim).

And because the inability to write complete, fluid sentences is now in effect, here’s a list:

1. I like using the word “and.”
2. And isn’t that obvious?
3. I want to be a farmer.
4. Freelancer, broke, happy.
5. I love Jang.
6. I love writing and photography.
7. Stupid.
8. I have a beautiful family.
9. My name is Kat. If you want to know why I use Laura (for those who don’t know), give me chocolates first. Hehe..
10. I am a huge fan of the Barbie Almabis.
11. I think it’s sad when people are not there. I mean, I can understand when they can’t be there but it’s different when they are not there.

That’s it, I guess. I don’t know the extent of things, of how long I can share my life with you. And isn’t that disturbing? When other people know you better than you do? And isn’t that wrong? When you let them do that to you?

This day, so far, has been alternately nerve-wracking and calm. I am waiting for 7pm because Tiki will treat me for dinner and I hope he can put a nice ending to an otherwise frustrating day. It’s weird how even the calm in a moment can make someone sad and afraid.

There is so much more I want and need to say but I am stopping now.

Note: I am reposting this as the newest entry because hmmm, I want to. (-:

Here are my top three blog sites:

Heather’s – because she is funny, infectious and honest. She is downright infectious that some of her writing styles have rubbed off on me. Like her penchant for all caps-ing words that she wants emphasized and the way she addresses the Internet like the Internet is a person. Isn’t it liberating to admit that you have been doing something wrong? I promise to quit letting her style rub off on me.

Noreia’s – because her words are rich and she has this bittersweet outlook of life that I just can’t help it but be addicted to her writing. She can write about the blandest of topics and be able to make it come off as really interesting.

Rhea’s – because she seems wise beyond her years and her writing is refreshing. And she’s Filipino. (-:

I am enabling the comment thingy so you can share with me your top three blog sites (or any blog you want to recommend). Because, you know, I read blogs the whole day. And I need some new interesting people to read. (-:

At the age of 26, Kuya already has more than 30 godchildren. I don’t have that dilemma because I am fairly unpopular when it comes to being a godparent (I only have less than ten godchildren), and Kuya is, well, charisma in flesh. Because of this, he can let Christmas pass without giving gifts to the kids (just this year, he says).

Anyway, I’m broke. Normally, I’d just keep this to myself, because I repeat: People say character is when you have difficulty in life and choose to say nothing about it. You must know by now that I am continuously struggling to develop character by keeping my woes to myself but as it is, I still can’t, and so I am ditching my quest for a good character just this once to tell you that I am broke.

It’s weighing me down and you know what they say when something weighs you down – let it all out.

Sometimes I regret quitting a regular-paying job and sometimes I regret quitting my first job at the broadsheet (which paid well and let me sleep on my desk). But regret is a bad thing and I remind myself that this is what I want so deal with it whatever happens, whiner. Deal with it.

Sometimes I despise myself for accepting too many writing jobs (in my mission to be a prolific freelance writer) and ending up not delivering satisfactory outputs for most of my editors. I’d accept one writing job and accept another (because I want to keep moving and thinking) but what happens is I go blank in the writing process. And so I’d usually miss my deadline or submit a mediocre work.

There are really busy weeks and then there would be blank weeks, days upon days upon days of fidgeting.

I have plans, you see. But I am too much of a sissy to act on them. And plans without action are, well, just plans. I’m terrified of rejection. I think I had it all too easy, I’m used to not giving something my all and still be praised for it. And so when there is something I really want to do and achieve, I get cold feet because that would involve effort and I’m afraid to give it my all and be rejected.

I have a master plan which is, at best, roguish and juvenile but I’m raring to do it and somehow it gives me the drive that I have been wanting to feel.

This is the time of the year when I really need money, almost everyone does anyway.. money comes in trickles and although my last paycheck sustained me for three weeks, I doubt if I can live like this in the long term.. but heck, I’m loving the thrill of it all and although I whine sometimes (like now) about the lack of money, I feel that I wouldn’t trade any of this for anything as of now.

I’m loving all this craziness around me, all the stupidity, lethargy and waiting.

We have a new puppy and her name is “Tuta” sometimes my mother calls her “Kris” because Kris Aquino sickens her. I can’t even come up with a puppy’s name and this proves my constipated writing ability and I don’t know if you understood the connection because I myself didn’t because I’m slow like that and I’d like to see how far I can sustain this sentence but I’m stopping now because this is going nowhere anyway.

The other day Tuta was whimpering nonstop because she was in a dark room downstairs. So I went down to give her milk and tried to explain why she has to be in a room.

It was 3 am and she was whimpering like it was 3 pm and no one was trying to sleep. So I stayed with her for a while. Apparently she likes company and she put on a show for me. She dragged her bulging belly in front of me and tried and tried in vain to reach her tail with her snout. Round and round and round she went and I was laughing. I was laughing. With a puppy. At 3 am.

And I said to myself, well, Who needs money?

Tinanong ko rin kung masaya pa ba ako..

at sabi nga ni Mr. Big sa Sex and the City:

Abso-fucking-lutely.

Sana lahat nang nagsusuot ng Ché Guevara shirt ay alam kung sino si Ché Guevara. Tsaka sana kung magpapanggap man sila na kilala nila si Ché Guevara, huwag na nilang sabihin na "He is from Mexico."

Naalala ko tuloy yung isang babae nung college. Nagpapa-silkscreen na ang mga utaw para sa "Oust Erap" shirt na gagamitin sa isang protest rally sa may PMA -- nang sinabi ba naman niyang: "Do you have those in baby tee? I want to look pretty e." Pucha.

Not totally related yung Ché Guevara shirt tsaka "Oust Erap" shirt pero, pet peeve ko kasi yung nagpapa-cute e. Dati sumayaw si John Prats sa ASAP na ang suot ay Ché Guevara shirt, may kasama pa siyang isa na ang suot ay Ché Guevara shirt din, naasar ako ng isang buong buwan. Ipangsayaw ba naman ang Ché Guevara shirt?!

OA.