Final na ito. I am posting HERE (http://tissuepaperworld.pansitan.net) from now on. Please update your links thank you. (-:

Here are a few photos I have always wanted to post but was not able to due to some reasons.

Anyway! dyaran...



That's my aunt Edna with her only daughter Trixie (who has three older brothers). Don't they look alike? So eerily alike. Grabeng alike. Yun lang.(-:



That's my Wallflowers cassette tape which died on me a few months back. I was going to blindly ask for a replacement from any kind soul but for some reason I wasn't able to post it. I love the Wallflowers, love the music, love it love it love it.



That's me with my friend En in a coffee shop along EDSA. At the time when my life was all blurry (naks naman, dramatic ito), this photo had such an impact on me, it was like.. life was passing me by and there was nothing I could do..

But tomorrow I will be off to Baguio and I guess, I did something already and I am now able to go along (or against) what life has to offer me. (-:

I already posted this photo here but I am posting it again because it is my favorite among all our photos together. And I know I keep on saying she is not the main reason for my Baguio trip but what the heck.. I know, you know, we know.. she is a major part of the reason.



This was taken in Manila Zoo next to the hippopotamuses and aren't we cute? And man, hippos are huge.

So anyway! I am in that phase when I label everything I do as the last thing I will do in Manila. Boohoohoo... say anything about Manila and my family and I will surely tear up, cry, bawl.. miss ko na agad ang Mandaluyong!

Last night I had dinner with Bern, Moxy and Joan. We had fun taking photos of each other and we have this kickass photo taken in front of a mirror and I wish I could post it. Anyway, the last of the send off thingies will be tonight with Tiki. Tomorrow will be for last minute packing, and crying, crying crying.. so much excitement, apprehension, sadness..

Jang is adamant that I bring only two bags but I cannot live on two bags and why is she effective in being adamant? So okay, I was saying I am in that phase of labeling every thing as the last thing I will do here in Manila (e.g. last time to watch 24 on cable, last time to taste my mother's menudo, last time to drink her coffee, last chance to sleep on my bed, last chance to use the computer, last chance to hog the digital camera) when actually, it is the last time in what will be a really long while -- I am just overacting.. it's not like I won't ever come home again?..

Note: This post also appears here. (sort of like a transition thing something something, ah indecision)

Lelaina: I was really gonna be something by the age of 23.
Troy: Honey, all you have to be by the age of 23, is yourself.
Lelaina: I don’t know who that is anymore.

Those are a few of my favorite lines from my ultimate favorite movie of all time forever and ever – Reality Bites.

Anyway, on Wednesday night I will be on a bus to Baguio. As I said, it’s not a vacation or Jang thing – I’m moving to Baguio. Alone. If you read this entry, you’ll know why I’m subjecting myself to a difficult life. But wait, you won’t completely know, because neither will or can I.

Aside from one odd job and a place to sleep in, nothing is sure yet. I don’t know if I will have something to eat by the second week, heck, I still don’t know a lot of other things.

I’m just.. tired of analyzing myself, of trying to find out what’s wrong, of all the waiting in vain, of all the attempts at making sense of the past 23 years.

I’m going to Baguio because I want to live on my own. I guess that’s all I can tell you, or myself for now. Whatever happens happens.

Things are just too confusing that the need for space is imperative. It’s like, Manila has become this nurturing husband to me, too nurturing that I have to get away from it all even for just a while.

Nothing is wrong here at home, in fact, everything is too sunny, too right, too peachy… even if at times we are not okay, the glaring truth is that I have become too relaxed here. I want to be on my own, to not know if I will have food tomorrow, to not call on Mama or Kuya whenever I’m stuck in a rut, to wake up and think: Now what?

I can do all that here in Manila, yes, but that will take away all the adventure so I’m moving to Baguio because there, I will be completely alone. Sure, Jang will be there, but that’s different because law school will occupy most of her time etcetera. I’m prospecting at getting odd jobs and being a barista. I also hope to work more on my writing.. (-:

I have spent four years in Baguio alone, yes, but that was college when I had instant money from the ATM and I could always call home to ask for stuff I need. This time it’s different, I will be in charge of everything -- no help from my parents (and I made it clear that they don’t need to send money) whatsoever.

Things are still blurry and I am too excited to think of sensible things to write.. I want to be a better person for my family.. all I ever wanted to do was to take care of them.. send my parents to a vacation..

On the first week of college in Baguio, my parents were there to help me get settled in the dorm, a week after that I went back to Manila to return things I didn’t need and get things I actually needed.. then I had to board the bus back to Baguio.. alone. That was the time it all sank in, that oh my god, I am going to Baguio alone.. live there alone.. in a dorm full of girls I don’t know, oh no, my parents, my brothers. . they won’t be there? These things were running through my mind while Kuya was waving at me goodbye from outside the bus and then.. I cried.. I was 16 and I was sniffling like a baby, I was crying the whole of North Luzon Expressway..

I will terribly miss Manila, my family, this home.. man I’m crying while I’m typing this.. sure there are times when I think “Bah, I am so glad to be leaving all these” because everywhere I go I always compare it to Baguio (even Manila) but Manila, as I said, is like my husband already. I will always go back to it, always yearn for its familiarity and comfort.

But for now I need to get away.. to know myself, to get back my confidence and to learn to live on my own two feet. It’s scary, yes, but more than anything.. it’s exciting beyond explanation.

I’m already imagining that I live in a dingy room with cockroaches and holes.. not an ideal set up but.. who needs ideal when you’re young, happy and struggling? (-:

got this from Deepa. Hi Deepa, I got your link from Nette.

Five Things You May Not Know About My Time in School
*I cheated a lot.
*I got a D in grade6 and almost didn’t graduate.
*I had crushes on tomboys since I was in grade 3.
*I had a “boyfriend” in Senior Kinder, his name is/was? James and we’d exchange Kisses (the tiny fragrant thingies).
*I almost always slept in Soc Sci II and was apprehended for it several times (i.e. was made to answer a question I didn’t hear in the first place, was made to stand up for no apparent reason [huh? what did I do? hehe], was asked if I was okay in a really biting manner). I know, such an un-collegelike professor, ugh.

Five Things You May Not Know About the Job/s I Have (or Had)
*In this broadsheet I worked for, it became a habit to sleep on my desk while waiting for tasks. Then once while we were working on pages, an editor pointed out: “may bakat pa yung noo mo, o.” Kahiya.
*Somewhere in the process, I always get lost, in every sense. But you know that already!
*I had an editor who looks at porn in his office computer in full view of everyone who passes by his desk.
*I had an Australian boss who looked down on me.
*I am usually chided by workmates as either “antisocial, painfully shy and annoyingly quiet.” Yes, I was a turtle in my past life, whatever that means.

Five Things You May Not Know About My Online Life:
*I have a uniform password for every active account so I won’t forget.
*I know a lot of passwords that are not mine, and don’t we all? Wuhahaha.
*I discovered the joys of YM only on September 2004.
*I constantly battle my emerging netheadedness but alas, I'm failing.
*Most of my online time is devoted to blogs, blogs, blogs.

Five Things You May Not Know About Where I Live:
*I have a four poster narra bed which is not really a four poster bed as the posts were from when it was still a double deck. Nails jut out from where the second deck was, and yes, I like endangering my life.
*Our house is facing a four-story building (sari sari store/apartment) so sunlight/sunrays/sunshine? is blocked (pisses me off every laundry day).
*At a certain time (syempre), the sunset is perfectly framed at the end of our street.
*We share our land with distant relatives, parang 70-30. Yung 70 ang sa amin.
*My childhood friends are all gone, isa na lang ang natira, hindi pa ako pinapansin.

Five Things You May Not Know About My Home Life:
*I regularly feed the fish, and ocassionally the three dogs.
*I take excellent care of one plant -- an orchid from Paete, Laguna brought home by Dada.
*I do the laundry on Thursdays.
*I share my bed with a cousin, Jackie.
*I almost always cook perfect rice, yebapatis.

Five Things You May Not Know that I Desperately Want:
* to visit Maldives, Lebanon and Morocco
* to settle in Baguio
* to eliminate my constipation
* my own place
* my family to be always safe

Five Embarrassing Fannish Admissions I Have That You May Not Know:
* I went to UMD's house in San Juan for autographs.
* I bought those five peso celebrity photos sold on streets (UMD, Gio Alvarez etc.).
* I can watch Reality Bites and A Walk to Remember countless times (and still react the same way to the scenes as if I’m seeing them for the first time)
* I was an unwilling member of the UMD fan club.
* I have a Bal David autograph, it’s embarassing because he turned out to be a wife cheater.

Five Things You May Not Know About What I Do in a Typical Day:
*I brush my teeth once.
*I religiously watch Eat Bulaga’s Laban o Bawi.
*I swig three mugs of coffee.
*I take calls from Jang countless times.
*I spend most of my time writing baloney like this.

ooOoo

This morning I was bawling my eyes, brain and lungs out while talking to Jang on the cellular phone (oooh, cellular). My Baguio trip is slowly becoming difficult to realize, ngayon pa, that it's only seven days away! Then I said the words that I thought I will never say to anyone, not even to Jang, not even to my parents. I always thought I am strong, brave, independent and so on but I said them: Kailangan kita. So dramatic.. and I thought I'd feel inadequate afterwards but then all I feel is relief.. like, whew, it's okay to need someone else sometimes, it's okay, it's okay..

On a lighter note, I'm loving the new Coke commercial, who's that girl?

Because of some confusion, let us all go back to my real name which is KAT. People, my name is Kat. I use Laura because I love the character named Laura in Neil Gaiman's American Gods. That is a phase (using Laura). My name is Kat, call me Kat, I am proud to be Kat, miyarrr.

Because I will be moving to Baguio on the 20th (Jang insists that I postpone it [because of meningococcemia) pero naghahanap na siya ng apartment ko, haynaku, nakakalito na siya ha.. (-: ), this week is devoted to bonding time with friends. This is friends' week! On Friday I will be sleeping over at Ira's new place, any dinner this week will be with Tiki, another with Vanny (hopefully she'll be free), another with my girls from my last workplace and other night outs with friends whom I want to spend time with before I smoke pot with my Communist friends in Baguio.

Sa totoo lang, baka nga pag-akyat ko sa 20, e bumaba rin ako agad five days after. Basta lang (dahil mahal na mahal ko ang Mandaluyong). Pero this week is devoted for kwentuhan, bonding, the whole "mami-miss kita, gagu ka" thing with friends whom I dearly dearly love.

My ears are okay now!

And I'm having a Kiefer Sutherland phase! Ayayay!

PS: The Pansitan relocation is still under construction. Let's all stay here for now. (-;
Hello Ate Sienna, may email ako uli sa iyo.

Yahu! Tinanggap ni Ate Sienna ang aplikasyon ko na maging boarder ng Pansitan!

Kailangan sabihin ko sa inyo na ang magiging bago kong URL ay ito. Siguro/sana/kung kakayanin, ma-a-access na ito bukas or mamayang gabi!!! Yay!!! Thank you Ate Sienna!

(NB: Huwag muna niyo palitan ang links niyo ha, kasi naguguluhan pa ako ayayay.) Masyado kasi akong na-excite.

PS: Nakakatuwa itong Full Profile System ng Blogdrive hahaha.

Today is the fourth day of my horrid ear infection. It is all my fault, really.

I can't think straight, or properly. I have a deadline on Monday and I still haven't started anything of the four articles yet. My fever goes up, down, up, down because of the swelling and there would be times that when you touch me you'd say "You smolder!" But that's just me trying to include my favorite word of the moment in today's entry.

Anyway, it's 9:46pm and I still have the rest of the night and the whole of Sunday to finish the articles. The doctor said one of the medicines I'm taking lasts 24 hours so I will try to do an all-nighter to finish these articles. The medicine is currently fighting off the pain alright but I would really love Morphine right now because it still fucking hurts oh my good lord.

Next to toothache, an ear infection's would have to be the craziest pain on Earth (for a healthy person). It's like there is a giant pliers cracking my skull open, mix it with mumps plus airplane ears. Terrible excruciating pain.

It is torture to speak, chew, smile and any sudden head/neck movement will cause all hell to break loose.

But because it is all my fault (blaming the cotton buds would be really fun but that is just so impossible), I try not to complain so much about it. And when I compare this pain to what others are going through, I feel really small, smaller than a speck of sand.

So okay, I think I just wanted to post something and I remember telling myself that if I did, I'll be able to write my articles smoothly already thank you very much, there is a connection there somewhere.

And yeah I wanted to tell you I am so terrified of doctors that I let one whole day pass without telling my mother about the pain and so it worsened by the second day and inexplainably infected the other ear as well and so it was a little late by the time we got to a hospital and so here I am grimacing in unbelievable anguishing distress oh shit oh shit.

Last year I quit my job and then nothing significant happened because nothing ever happens in my life. Except somebody very dear to me passed away, a fact that I keep refusing to accept until now -- details of which will take up another entry, or blog.

This year I am moving to Baguio (for good, hopefully). Jang tells me to wait until meningococcemia is contained and I repeatedly say no to that because my Communist friends are waiting for me already and we're going to smoke pot in the woods somewhere near La Trinidad. Kidding.

I will focus on family life in a big, purple house with Jang and then we'll learn how to dance and sit by a fireplace all day, all night. Kidding again.

Truth is I feel like my life is starting all over again and I can't describe the feeling. My mother already gave me her blessing and in two weeks time I will be off to Baguio, God-willing.

This is awesome.

Last year tragedy struck hundredthousands of people. People with names, dreams and loved ones. This year, I pray that along with the rebuilding and recovery, hope and love will still shine through. Here's to a better year for all of Earth's children. Amen.

Photos of the family!

Happy New Year all, from my family to yours. (-:




Note: Pa is in Vegas so I posted an old photo of him with my baby brother who is now, as you can see, big.

May we be mindful of our unfortunate neighbors as we usher in 2005. Courage, love and peace for all. Amen.

Note: This post was intended for the day after Christmas but because I am stupid, I got to post it only now. Happy hohoho-ing.

The worst thing a photographer wannabe can do is screw up the family Christmas photo (the family photo!). And by family I mean, the whole bunch, uncles, aunts, cousins, a grandaunt – all wearing bright-colored clothings because that is the “theme” for 2004’s Christmas gathering (last year was just red). Bright-colored clothings shall look good in a photograph because why the hell will bright-colored clothings look drab in a photograph? No reason at all.

But because I am stupid and I set the wrong camera settings and I am stupid, the photos are godawful (those are family photos!). The photos below are what I managed to salvage and by salvage I mean they-are-ugly-photographs-but-at-least-the-colors-show-and-I-say-at-least-in-the-most-sarcastic-kind-of-way-salvage. Note: I am in (gasp!) two photos, which is really weird because I am so fat, no connection whatsoever (the first and last ones were taken at different Christmas gatherings.)

I wish to go back to film (it’s still the finest) and leave digital photography behind (Luddite!). I am so beyond all regret. I really suck at this photography thing, and I just had to tell you. I dare not post the clan photo because it is ugly beyond ugly, even my own mother cringed at the sight of it.

(Note that I used the word clan. I like making myself feel worse.)

My screwing up the family photo sucks, really sucks, really fucking sucks because my camera was the only one functioning that night (my uncle’s camera acted up while we were taking the customary family photo [the family photo!]) and so my aunts etcetera (the whole bunch!) are expecting their copies from me! Anong sasabihin ko, “Ay Ninang, sorry, next year na lang”?

It really sucks when you fail at something you really love doing and in which you continuously try to be good at. Nemit.

Maybe you’re wondering: “If she used a digital camera, why didn’t she notice that the photo (the family photo!) fucked up then rectified it accordingly right there and then?”

Don’t ask me, I’m stupid.